Just What the World Needs: A Guitar Comedy Routine

There’s a joke that floats around online guitar hangouts from time to time. It goes something like this:

A woman goes to court for beating up her boyfriend with his guitars.

“First offender?” asks the judge.

“No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!”

And there we have it: a saucy little pun that deserves to fade into oblivion, right? WRONG. Always looking for dead horses to beat, I now present my Abbott & Costello “Who’s On First?“-inspired two-person comedy skit, “First Offender.”

FIRST OFFENDER

JUDGE: You have been charged with using your boyfriend’s guitars to destroy his automobiles. First offender?

WOMAN: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.

JUDGE: Excuse me?

WOMAN: First a Gibson. I used it to smash a window. Then I smashed a fender.

JUDGE: So at this point you had destroyed two guitars?

WOMAN: No, just the Gibson.

JUDGE: But you said you smashed a Fender.

WOMAN: That’s right.

JUDGE: Well, didn’t it break?

WOMAN: Oh yes! His precious Mustang didn’t look so pretty anymore.

JUDGE: Ah, so it was a Mustang!

WOMAN: Yes.

JUDGE: But wasn’t the Mustang damaged when you smashed it?

WOMAN: Of course it was!

JUDGE: Look, how many guitars had you destroyed at this point?

WOMAN: Just the Gibson.

JUDGE: And the Fender?

WOMAN: Dented and completely ruined. But I still had a use for it. I picked it up and started smashing his Explorer.

JUDGE: You destroyed his Explorer by hitting it with the Mustang?

WOMAN: That would be a bit extreme! I just hit it with the fender, but that got awkward, so then I picked up the Jaguar.

JUDGE: How on earth did you pick up a Jaguar!?

WOMAN: I’m not a total weakling, your honor.

JUDGE: And I suppose next you picked up the Mustang?

WOMAN: Don’t be ridiculous!

JUDGE: So now you started destroying his Explorer by hitting it with the Jaguar?

WOMAN: Yes, but it didn’t feel quite as good.

JUDGE: Why not?

WOMAN: Because the Explorer was already ruined from when I used it to smash the Mustang.

JUDGE: You mean the Fender?

WOMAN: That’s right.

JUDGE: But you used a Gibson to smash the Fender!

WOMAN: Exactly.

JUDGE: So what happened next?

WOMAN: I finished off the Jaguar.

JUDGE: How did you do that?

WOMAN: I smashed it with his Flying V.

JUDGE: So… at this point… you were using a guitar… to smash up… a car…

WOMAN: No, the other way around.

JUDGE: Look, even I know that a Flying V is a guitar!

WOMAN: No, that’s the nickname he gave his Volvo.

JUDGE: Look… was there anything else of his that you destroyed which was either guitar- or automotive-related?

WOMAN: Yes.

JUDGE: And what, pray tell, was that?

WOMAN: Well, he also collected pickups…

JUDGE: CASE DISMISSED!